I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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