If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
