This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
