In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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