3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
