Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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