I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
