Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
