How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
