Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
