my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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