It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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