Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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