How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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