she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
