My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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