I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
