Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
