I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
