so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
