I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
