When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
