i think i have herpe
just one?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
