Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
