I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
