If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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