and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
