dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
