Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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