He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
