I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
420 ftw
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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