Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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