Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
So apparently I’m into choking now
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
