He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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