My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Just high enough for therapy.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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