I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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