just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
