Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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