Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
