I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
