somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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