I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
