dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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