official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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