I'm jealous of your bromance
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
