Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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