When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
