I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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