I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
