dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
