mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
