Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
