Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
