were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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