You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
