I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Let's get the cat blown out
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
