You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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