I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
